Tuesday, March 25, 2008

First or Third what do you think...

I had this awesome idea for a romance, and as I sat down at the computer I started to write in first person. But in a romance there is usually two MC's the two that fall in love through the book. Well to get to my point there are rules in writing and one is that you can't have two points of view in first person. So I have attached the first pages of my romance in first and in third. please tell me which one you like, I am frustrated, I feel the first is more emotional but I don't know.

First Person....
“Smack!” the sound echoed off the aluminum buildings, over the constant noise of the small plane engine. My eyes saw the shadow as the bird streaked over the driver’s side of the truck. Then the noise of an explosion startled me out of my reverie and into the extremeness of the present. I saw the body hit the ground first then the head as it bounced twice a few feet away. I gasped as I sat up straighter, looking at the snow covered tarmac in the brightness of the January morning.
As I fought the urge to loose the pitiful breakfast I had shoved down my unwilling throat that morning as we rushed out of the house, I looked at the body of the bird that had been decapitated in front of me and felt even sicker. The mottled gray feathers the only thing moving in the air currents of the prop. Its black eye stared at me the hooked bill, still now... A falcon... I thought, how horrible. That incident, I know now was an omen. Something I shouldn't have ignored. Just as I shouldn't have ignored the feeling of unease that appeared in my unsettled stomach as I watched my husband take off into the clear blue skies in his plane.
I watched the plane until it disappeared into the horizon and then pulled the truck onto the main road and headed to the airport where I would meet him in two hours to refuel. I slid my Linkin Park CD in the player, and enjoyed the drive. The baby was asleep by the time I pulled onto the small road that led to the airport. I didn't argue with not feeding him or changing him at the moment. It had been a long day for us. Up at the crack of dawn the grueling hours long ride to the airport the two hour drive to the next airport and of course the falcon. Garret was there as I pulled in, he was checking the wing assembly as I parked by him.

Third Person....
“Smack!” the sound echoed off the aluminum buildings, over the constant noise of the small plane engine. Her eyes saw the shadow as the bird streaked over the driver’s side of the truck. Then the noise of an explosion startled her out of her reverie and into the extremeness of the present. She saw the body hit the ground first then the head as it bounced twice a few feet away. She gasped and sat up straighter, looking at the snow covered tarmac in the brightness of the January morning.
As she fought the urge to loose the pitiful breakfast she had shoved down an unwilling throat that morning as they rushed out of the house; she looked at the body of the bird that had been decapitated in front of her and felt even sicker. The mottled gray feathers the only thing moving in the air currents of the prop. Its black eye stared at her, the hooked bill, still now...
A falcon... she thought, how horrible. That incident, she know now was an omen. Something she shouldn't have ignored. Just as she shouldn't have ignored the feeling of unease that appeared in her unsettled stomach as she watched her husband take off into the clear blue skies in his plane.
She watched the plane until it disappeared into the horizon and then pulled the truck onto the main road and headed to the airport where she would meet him in two hours to refuel. She slid her Linkin Park CD in the player, and enjoyed the drive. The baby was asleep by the time she pulled onto the small road that led to the airport. She didn't argue with not feeding him or changing him at the moment. It had been a long day for them. Up at the crack of dawn the grueling hours long ride to the airport the two hour drive to the next airport and of course the falcon. Garret was there as she pulled in, he was checking the wing assembly as she parked by him.

4 comments:

storyengineer said...

Hmm. I'm not sure which I like better, just because it seems like all you did was search/replace I with she. Hence, they're too similar.

I can say this, "she know[s] now" doesn't work in third person limited. It seems really cheesy in omniscient too.

I would say that it comes down to this - do you want multiple points of view or not? Or is the story totally focused on this woman, and while the story includes the man, it's not really about him?

And if you decide to do third person, I would like the name of the main character. I think that would add some emotion to it. :)

Michelle said...

This is first draft, so I just replaced the I with she's. I do see what you mean with both the phrase and adding a name. I just dont want to have to rewrite the whole book so I stopped a paragraph into Ch 3 and posted this.
The guy is very prominent in my head so I guess I'm going to have to go with third. I'm a little disapointed, she was coming so strongly across in first. Oh well this is a learning process.
Michelle

Weston Elliott said...

I don't know why you couldn't have two points of view, and both from 1st person. That could be really interesting, expecially hearing what each person thought that the other thought about them! if you made it a clean break each time, like every other chapter being her, then him, then her, I think you could make it work. I'd like to read that, you could really put some twists in there.

Sandra said...

I agree with Weston. I truly enjoy reading stories done that way, it they are done well