Querytracker.net had a contest to celebrate thier second year on the web. The last contest called for people to create the worst query they could. I couldnt resist and sat down this afternoon to write it. If only real querys were this easy to write. LOL
Dear agent who I forget your name,
I am sending this letter to reveal my previously unrecognized writing genious to you. You are touching the same paper that your next blockbuster author has previously handled. Consider yourself privlidged. As you will see, my mother and all of the neighbors that I have wrangled into reading my manuscript (by force or bribery) thinks it is the greatest thing since. . . the invention of the printing press.
Alana Dove is a newely divorced young woman witha dream. A child of hippies, she picks herself up after her white collar doctor husband leaves her for someone with a brain. Determined to make it on her own after swearing off men she opens a "water yoga" studio only to find no one else can hold thier breath as long as she can.
Forlorn and homeless she meets up with "Mikey", a biker dude that gives her a ratty couch to sleep on untill she either gets her feet under her or some common sense. Will it be love at first ride? Or will she find the intelligence to make a comeback on her own? Only the reader will know.
"Dove's Dude" is a fiction novel of 53,546 words. And if you dont pick it up you will be kicking yourself like the agents who didnt sign JK Rowling or Stephehie Meyer.
I have been writing for the last 6 months and am pleased to find that my inborn tallent surpasses those of Nora Roberts and Stephen King.
I am the "mother" of 4 birds, one quaker parakeet named Archie who plucks her feathers, I think it is from lack of attantion, proper light and nutrition. My two finches named after the main characters in my favorite anime are so sweet all they do is mate and sing. My Cocatiel is the nicest hissing bird I know, i'll bring her to our meetings in the future. She only bites if you hold her and she is getting better at not pooping all over. Oh, and I have a turtle, and I had a salamander but he disapeared and I havnt found him yet. Probably under the couch again.
I still live in my parents basement but plan on moving out when i get that really huge advance you are goiing to give me for my amazinf novel.
I'll be waiting for your hurried response by sitting on the front lawn by the mailbox. I'll be the one in the cutoffs and tube top in the pink and duck tape lawn chair with a margarita and my lap top.
Have an awesome "Dove's Dude" day.
(Please hurry with my acceptance letter. My mom is on my case again about getting a real job.)