Monday, December 17, 2007

Nows you're chance to vote!!!!!

Ask me to write a 400 pg novel and I'd do it willingly. Ask me to summarize that book in an attractive paragraph to sell it to an agent and I'd rather die. It is query time, and after what Jessica said (At Bookends LLC)I have worked on the pitch(s) for a week. This is what I have come up with so far, five seperate pitches. Read them and tell me if any of them work. If none work, or if there are phrases in each of them that combined will work better. If any of you can do better I'll eternaly owe you something. (There is a small gift for anyone who can write a better one.) So read and post away. Please give me the reasons you like one over the others if you can...

(I have revised the paragraphs. So if you think that the post seems to be changing... it is. :) )


1)
For years Commander Antony Danick's destiny has laid dormant. All his life, he has trained and worked for the Corps, becoming their most renowned assassin. But, having grown discontent with serving under Derek Jensen's thumb, Antony fakes his death and changes his name and appearance, awaking Destiny's untold prophecy. For over a century now, a dark entity has threatened Antony's ancestors and only those that have faithfully followed the prophet of their land have lived in the face of this relentless power. Now Caledonia's prophet is growing old, and his tenure is coming to an end. Surely Destiny has chosen the least likely person to succeed him in leading the people. A reformed assassin as the new prophet? Only Destiny knows what lays in store for the people of Caledonia with the former Corps sniper at the helm.

1a)
For years Commander Antony Danick's destiny has laid dormant. All his life, he has trained and worked for the Corps, becoming their most renowned assassin. But, having grown discontent with serving under Derek Jensen's thumb, Antony fakes his death and changes his name and appearance, awaking Destiny's untold prophecy. Now Caledonia's prophet is growing old, and his tenure is coming to an end. Surely Destiny has chosen the least likely person to succeed him in leading the people. A reformed assassin as the new prophet? Only Destiny knows what lays in store for the people of Caledonia with the former Corps sniper at the helm.

2)
Sori Katsu's tenure as the Prophet of Caledonia is coming to an end, and destiny has chosen the least likely individual to succeed him. All Corps assassin Antony Danic wants to do is to have a quiet normal existence away from his commander Derek Jensen and his former life. He becomes Noble Standing, by faking his death. This decision, sets in motion the plan that destiny has had for him since before he was born. But a former assassin as a religious leader? Only Destiny knows what lays in store for the people of Caledonia with the former Corps sniper at the helm.

3)
As one mans desire for a normal quiet life takes him from Antony Danic the corps assassin, to Noble Standing teacher, he catches Destiny's attention. Sori Katsu's tenure as Prophet is coming to an end. Enemies of the church have repeatedly tried to kill this quiet leader of the Caledonian religion; one of these days they might succeed. It seems that Destiny has chosen the least likely individual to take Katsu's position. A Prophet with a gun? Not even Destiny knows what lays in store for the people of Caledonia with the former Corps hit man at the helm.

4)
Antony Danic, The Corps’ most renowned Sniper and munitions expert, has the perfect job. Or does he? Destiny definitely has other plans for him. He fakes his death to get out from under his Commanders thumb. Changing his name to Noble Standing, and his looks to keep his former identity dead. Caledonia’s Prophet is growing old and his tenure is coming to an end. Surely Destiny has chosen the least likely individual to succeed him. A reformed assassin as the new prophet? Only destiny knows what is in store for the people of Caledonia with a former Corps sniper at the helm.


Michelle

3 comments:

Weston Elliott said...

Number three for me!

One note, I wouldn't captitalize destiny, that makes it sound like a character in the book, since its often used as a woman's name.

Break a leg

Marilyn said...

Is #3 the one that starts with "As one mans desire..?" Because that one is also my choice. However, I still like the first one somewhat. I think you should combine the too. Let me think about it more...
But, in the paragraph where Antony goes from corps assassin to teacher, I think you should tell what kind of teacher. School teacher? Yoga instructor? Need more detail on that. I also think that if I hadn't read the story, I wouldn't get it that Noble is going to take Katsu's place as Prophet. That needs to be explained better. How would you do that? I dunno, because I never write! ha ha ha. I hope my comments aren't killing you. You know a lot more than I do. Anyway, it's fun to read!

Marilyn said...

I like #1a and #4 the best. I get it now when reading them that Noble is destined to become the next prophet. Great job!