Friday, December 7, 2007

I think she liked it....

Jessica an agent at Bookends LLC offered to critique anyones query pitch for free. So of course I jumped on. A free critique? anyone who didnt was crazy. As #65 I have waited for weeks for her to get to mine. Checking the blog everyday to see when it would be up. I knew that I was in the next five for a few days and have been going crazy...
This morning I checked and sure enough there was my name and my Pitch. I'll post it here:

Dominion Day 106,000 word SF novel

There’s got to be more to life than being a high paid assassin.
I mean, I am taking peoples lives. That can’t be the best thing.
Even if the pay is good, it doesn’t make up for living around Commander Jensen.
I could resign…
If I resigned, Jensen would still be a thorn in my side.
However, if he thought I was dead....

Antony Danic, the Corps most renowned sniper, and munitions expert has the perfect job. Or does he? Destiny has other plans for him. He fakes his death to get out from under his commander’s thumb. Changing his name and his looks to keep his former identity dead. As Noble Standing, he begins to make decisions that change him from the coarse devil may care bad boy, to the honorable good guy that the prophecies foretell about him.

One man begins to find and fulfill his destiny.

Another case of a pitch turned query letter. Much too long. I would skip the opening lines altogether. They don't endear me to your work. The paragraph beginning with Antony Danic is good. Much better, anyway, and that’s really your pitch. Of course you also need to rewrite that last sentence. Now that he’s changed his name and looks, what is his conflict? It seems to me that’s already solved by the beginning of the book. He hated his job so he quit. What happens next? Oh, and skip your final line. Too vague.

So I have to tweak it a little, big deal. She liked it and I am happy.


Marilyn said...

Once again, I am not a writer, but I personally liked the opening lines. I do like what she said about showing what his conflict is after he quits his job and changes his identity. Good job Michelle!

Marilyn said...

Although...isn't the conflict an internal one about Noble changing his internal values?