Saturday, October 16, 2010

First 250 words blogfest.

I'm so totally late!!! So Sorry! I've been up since early morning with fall allergies and I forgot to post.

This blogfest is from Elle Strauss. I thought it would be good to participate.

This is the first 240 (the next ten words would have made no sense w/o the next pararaph.) words from my WIP it is the second book to the one that is pollished and being sent out now.

The working title is Latent as in something lying latent within someone.

The blown sand stung at Antony’s exposed skin and imbedded itself in his shoulder-length brown hair. He stood at the top of the pyramid of Khufu; the wind howled and buffeted him like it didn’t want him standing there. As if it policed the area, and knew, just the act of climbing the pyramid in the middle of the night, was not allowed.
Five years ago, it wouldn’t have mattered. The former assassin would have balked in the face of the laws of the land, but that was a long time ago. Now, the Speaker, the Head Elders mouthpiece, wasn’t in the habit of breaking the rules. This is different, he justified as he pulled an old piece of paper out of his pocket.
Elite’s list was now worn and tattered. The folds almost ripped through, keeping the paper in his pocket for years made it dirty. He read it again; her delicate handwriting graced the page.
Be bound together forever. He smiled at the memory of the top item on the paper. Kneeling on the cold stone floor at sunrise, he held the hand of a woman who took the place of his deceased wife Elite. The High Elder, Sori Katsu, pronounced that Antony and Elite Danic were bound together forever with their son Lucius. The bonding performed the morning Antony left Natani, a confirmation that after five intense years as Katsu’s student, his time of penance was over.


Brenda Drake said...

This is a very intriguing premise. Just a couple of things confused me such as this line "Kneeling on the cold stone floor at sunrise, he held the hand of a woman who took the place of his deceased wife Elite." Did Elite replace a deceased wife or is Elite the deceased wife? Also, what or who is Natani? Make that clearer. Otherwise, great job! :D

Charmaine Clancy said...

A good strong start. My comments would be the same as above, I couldn't figure out who was bonding with Antony as it seems Elite is deceased and replaced? Perhaps you mean to say that Elite bonded with him but has since deceased?
I like the suggestion of penance, it makes me wonder what that is about. I also am intrigued that Antony was once one to scoff at rules but now obeys them - I hope he is about to get into a situation that requires him to throw all the rules away in order to save or reach something important.
One little thing, I would not say 'but that was a long time ago' - you've already told us exactly how long ago it was - five years. Or maybe lose the five years.
I like your choice of names, makes it sound authentic.
Good work! :-)
What was this blog fest from?

Rachael Harrie said...

Hi C, I'm glad I popped back to check if you'd posted. Interesting start to the book. A couple of comments for you to consider. In the second para, I found the introduction of him as former assassin and then his current title a little unwieldy, and it interrupted the flow a little. In the last para, I wonder if the tense needs to be changed? Great start though, would keep reading, particularly if I'd already read the first book in the series :)


Jennifer Hoffine said...

I like the "like it didn't want him standing there" line.

The last paragraph did confuse me some...maybe it's too much backstory too fast?

L.T. Elliot said...

So is this the sequel?

C. Michelle Jefferies said...

Brenda and Charmaine, Elite is the dead wife, The other woman was a "stand in" after Elite has been dead for a while. Charmaine, He is about to enter a world where his life and everyone's aroud him is in danger and he has taken a vow to never kill again. He has to defend himself and everyone w/o out shedding blood. I'll take all comments into consideration. Thanks guys. :)

Rachel, thanks, I'll definately be reworking this page seeing its so impoortant. The first book is polished and I am shopping it around right now. Hopefully it'll find a home soon.

Jennifer, thanks, I like the mood that is created on this page. And I definately will be working on that paragraph and the rest of the page.

LT, Yeah this is the second book in the four book series. The short book info blurbs are on my sidebar to the right. --->

Carolyn Abiad said...

I feel like we're speeding through some details here, but probably because its a sequel.